I never thought I'd be one of those people. You know, the ones that are like zombies. The ones that refuse to really live life. I became that person. I became miserable. I didn't even really see it. I knew that I was unhappy with some things in my life but I never fully realized what I became. It's kind of disgusting, when you figure it out. Like you feel so bad about it, and try to rehash everything in your head and figure out where things went wrong. Reality hits you like a ton of bricks, and man does that suck.
The only thing you can do after a realization like that is make a decision about your life. Do you want to continue down the same road? Or do you want to change it? I choose to change it. I don't want to be that person, anymore. I used to find all the good things in life. I used to laugh and joke around. Have fun. Where did that all go?
Whatever the reasons, I can't continue down that road any longer.
My biggest problem right now is my weight. I gained a lot of weight. I know everyone says that, but seriously. I had lost a bunch right before I met my husband. Mainly, because I was always working. Picking up double shifts, picking up extra hours. I was always on the go. But, I also ate smaller portions and didn't eat out as much. That's the biggest kicker. Eating out. We do it all the time, it's not even a special treat. I've noticed lately that I've become bored with it, though... so it's not even like I really even enjoy it now. It just comes down to being lazy. I was working overnights, and just was so tired all the time. I eat crap. I feel like crap. Some coincidence, no?
I gained back everything I lost before and almost doubled it. It's scary. I don't have motivation. I don't have a zest for life, I lost all that.
Now, that I've been hit with that Ah ha moment, I can make it different.
I've been reading up on some things. Mostly, I might as well admit it. My marriage is in trouble. I became such a crabby person, so lazy, so unhappy. It wasn't his fault. He never said those things... but I was. I didn't realize it until it may be too late. I'm taking some time right now, and giving him some space to think things out in his head. I am too. I lost my job a couple weeks ago. Finding another job has been hard. Managing to stay afloat, but just barely. Only a matter of time before we really start to drown... slowly, I think I already was.
I found an app on my iphone. It's called c25k. I've heard a few other people talk about it. Mostly some of the girls from the message boards I frequent. People around me in person, are going for the p90x and zumba programs. I am sure they are all good. I gave c25k a chance tonight.
The last few days, there's a point in the afternoon (usually) where I just get this anxiety. Like, I can't sit still, I can't be near people... so I went to the bedroom and laid down. I tried to read a little, I tried playing a game on my phone... but I just couldn't shake the anxiety. Normally, I'd just try to take a nap. That's how I deal with everything - I sleep. I've been having difficulty sleeping at night and end up staying late (thanks shiftwork!) and then sleeping away the morning. I need to stop doing that, so I refused to do it today. I picked up my phone and clicked on the app. I didn't feel like going outside. I don't want to be made fun of. I don't want to be around people. I don't want to run into people I know, YET.
30 minutes. 20 minutes of actual work out activity with a pre warm up and a post cool down lasting 5 minutes each. I did the warm up, then you have to run for 1 minute/ 60 seconds. Okay, I can do this. Run for a minute, and then you have 1 1/2 min/90 seconds of walking. Okay, so not so bad. I haven't ran in a very long time, so it was more like a jiggle/jog. Also, add in doing this all in a small room with not much room. Okay, so I got that down... then it says run again. Okay.... about 15 sec into that I was ready to quit. I am tired. I don't want to do this. I pushed on. Alternating running and walking. I keep at it, but about 12-13 minutes in, I'm ready to give up. I just kept thinking to myself, it's not like you have anything else to do right now. Just do it, get it over with. So I kept on. 3 minutes later, I am right back to wanting to give up. I had to give myself a pep talk to finish it. Just get through it.
I completed it. It was hard. Doesn't seem like such a short amount of time would really be so much work. But it was. Especially for someone that doesn't wanna do any walking whatsoever. My hands were a little swollen afterwards, I noticed before when I took walks outside that they do that, but I thought it was allergies - being around nature, but this time I was inside. I will have to do some research on that one...
I hope I can continue to do it each day and follow the program. It's going to take some willpower. I hope I will get to the point where I won't feel like I need to confine myself to a room. That I can go outside and do it, and actually make distance. Not care if I run into someone, maybe eventually find someone who wants to do it with me.
Today was hard. This week has been hard. The only way I can do this, to get past all this and become ME again, is to push through.
