Better.

I read my last post, and I kinda felt sad.

I'm not really at that heart wrenching, hopeless stage anymore. It's not far away, though, so I'm not out of the woods, just yet. Things are getting better. It's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, sometimes.

I struggle with so many things, I always felt so helpless before, but now I realize, I can't really count on any one else to make those changes. Quit your bellyachin', get off of it and bust your booty, only you can make the changes that you need.

Tonight was a sudden realization for me. Epiphany, if you will. In the back of my head, I knew there was a problem, but it hit home tonight. The mood swings are out of control. The anxiety? Through the roof. I'm literally scared to death to be in a car. Before, it was only if I wasn't in driving, I didn't have the control I needed to feel at ease. It's completely to the point now, where it doesn't matter who is driving. It's ridiculous. I need to go see someone about this, for real. I kind of laughed and joked off such a huge serious accident I was in a year ago. Made light of it, I walked away unhurt, which is a miracle. A year later? I'm freaking afraid of being in a car and traffic. It's not nearly as bad as a highway or interstate. I try to avoid those now if possible. It's not as bad if the weather is clear, also.

I tried to just make light of the situation. There's no way that this could really affect me, I made it out, that was the important part. It literally puts my stomach in knots and I freak out. How truly sad, is that? Over the course of minor things, I totally freaked out in the car when NOTHING happened. It was raining, foggy, there was still visible. I saw brake lights ahead, no where even close... and I freaked out. I cannot control it, but I try to, which I think makes it worse. What do I do about this? Hire a driver with a vehicle with a partition that is tinted as well as the windows so I can't see? Never drive again? Ugh. Where do I start? Counseling?

Maybe I've let things go too far and think I can handle it all myself. Maybe I really do need help, not just for the whole car thing, but every aspect of my life.

Starting new jobs suck, because there's the long wait for insurance (aye aye aye lets not even go there...) once that kicks in, this would be better.

I let things consume me. I can't do that anymore.

Life is... changing.

I don't know where to begin this blog. I rarely write anymore, usually it's just been a few pictures here and there. My usb cord for my camera isn't working, so no new pictures for awhile. Eventually, I'll either get a new camera or get a new cord. I saw a camera similar to mine but the newer version for a decent price last night. But, I am trying to hold on to extra monies until I get us out of the rut we are in. Moving and getting re-settled has drained everything. It's not the end of the World, and somehow we always manage to figure out a plan or make things work somehow. Just sucks most days.

I'm in a bit of a funk, that's why I decided to write. Writing usually helps.

My heart is heavy about so many things going on in my life, right now. I don't know what's the best thing to do about a lot of it. I am struggling with Faith. I am struggling with money. I am struggling with happiness. Where do I find the "good" in everything when it all seems so sour anymore? I have a lot to be thankful for. I have a roof over my head, a gorgeous house, FINALLY a job, but there is still so much that is left out there that I want to grab onto. Over the last few years, I have felt that I learned valuable lessons. Sometimes, you have to go through these struggles to really grasp onto what life means. But, I am still left empty. Explain that one. Did I make the right choices? If I didn't and I want things to change - where do I start? Why do I ask so many questions? lol. Ugh, just seems like a never ending process.

Little Miss Layla Grace. There's just so many words that I can't even begin to type that express my emotions at the moment. I have this gut-wrenching, heart breaking, overall sadness consuming me at the moment. It's the same feelings I had when my Dad was sick. The same feeling I had when Bryson was diagnosed with Leukemia. I just hate that Cancer is so evil. It takes over lives and destroys so many things in it's path. Why? Layla was a beautiful little girl that was in a little red wagon in the halls of 9th floor at TCH. Our paths crossed. Maybe for a few moments, but how much impact that little girl has had on my path is crazy. We've met so many families and little ones through Bryson's illness that are some of the most REAL, strong, faith-filled people I've ever met. To see how many lives Bryson has touched, too, is all too surreal. These children often do not even SPEAK to each other, but they have this bond that is unbreakable. Just looking into their eyes and seeing their little faces - especially the little ones that haven't even learned to talk yet - Just incredible.

My heart aches for the Marsh family. I hope that God provides the strength, faith, peace, and comfort that they need right now and for the rest of their lives.

When my father was sick, I hated hearing the "I'm sorry"s and the "if you need anything"s. No one really understands what exactly another goes through. I can say what I feel, and I can say how it affected me, but I just really can't even imagine.

I just have to remind myself that there is a lesson, yet again, in this for me. Stop taking things for granted. Be happy with what you have. Is it enough?