Weekend Recap 06.08

Had a pretty good weekend. It is officially summer in Kansas City. We had over 80 degree temps all weekend and lots of rain, too, of course. I got a little too much sun on Saturday, but maybe that will end up being a nice tan on a pale white girl ;-)

Friday was pretty easy going. Hung out with Joe all weekend. We went to Wal-Mart and got some groceries and what not. You know you're getting old when the highlight of your Friday is going to the store, haha. I despise going to Wal-Mart. The ones closest to my house are always extremely busy and crowded. I try to avoid it if at all possible. It was surprisingly not too bad on Friday. Plus, I wasn't rushed or needed to be anywhere either, so that kind of worked out well.

I have been working on re-doing a dresser I found on a facebook swap shop a few months ago. I paid about $40 for a dresser/mirror combo. It sat in the guest room for about 4 months. The guest room was extremely packed with tubs and boxes that I just hadn't gone through from previous places I've lived. I was harboring items for years thinking that I would eventually move into a house again. I have decided depending on how things go, I may renew my lease when it comes up for my current place. Then start looking for a house, we shall see how that plays out. Anyway, back to the dresser. It is extremely heavy, so I wasn't able to move it by myself too easily. I decluttered a lot of my place, took boxes and tubs to my basement storage area, sold some items and clothing, and the room is basically empty now! Joe helped me paint and refinish the dresser. I got a little artsy crafty on a couple pieces. I originally wanted to paint it matte black and then put a damask design in glossy black. I opted for a muted dark gray color. It came out a little lighter than anticipated, but I am pleased with it. I did purple accents and got new hardware for the drawers and door. I created a design on the door and painted the inside of the door/shelf purple.

The original dresser. It is a Kathy Ireland piece. A very light wood with beige/ivory color, very pale pink and blue flower decoration painted in places, and yellow and gold hardware. Definitely dated! 

the before and after (minus the mirror and door attached. I am still working on those pieces. Finished painted the middle door box area purple, attached the new hardware (silver and black). 

The mirror. I have to clean it up, add the design to the top middle of the mirror and attach it. 

Overall, I am very happy with how it turned out. Once it's complete I will add a picture of the entire piece. I have to finish up a few things, but it has already been moved into the bedroom. 

I also went through my closet this weekend and removed articles of clothing that I don't feel like I will wear any time soon. I weeded out Winter items to be stored for now. I also organized it so that all my work clothes are together, casual clothes, sweaters,hoodies,jackets, and then dressers are all in their own areas. I also now have a floor to my closet! Which now house all my shoes. 

I don't know why I wait so long to really "move in" any more. I guess because I was moving more than I cared to over the last few years, and never really felt at home. I really enjoy this apartment mostly, there is a ton of storage space, it's very cozy but roomy. I finally have decorated it well. I am just waiting on the guestroom. I am looking for a bed for it, and then I will decorate it accordingly. Not in a big hurry for that, since it will be quite expensive. I would really like to make a few changes if I stay another year if I am able. I don't want to take on too much, though. 

I also tried a new recipe on Saturday. Hawaiian Chicken kebabs. Bought Lawry's Hawaiian marinade and marinated chicken breast chunk slices overnight. Cut up pineapple, red/yellow/green peppers, and a red onion in chunks. Took everything over to Joe's House so that he could mow the yard while I prepped everything. Soaked wooden skewers for about 15 minutes. Then assembled the kebabs. We put them on the bbq grill for a little less than 10 minutes. It was the most delicious meal. Very healthy also. Definitely going to have to make them again soon. I can also say this was the first time, I ever actually saw a real pineapple cut and removed. That's probably so sad, but it was cool. I picked a couple of good ones, so it turned out great. 

As for the eating healthy part, I am really trying hard. I gave up most sugars. I don't eat candy or snacks that are loaded with sugar. I try to stick to fresh veggies or fruits. I am down to drinking mostly all water. I did have some unsweet tea that I filled about half of the cup, and filled the rest with ice and water. I am really getting better at it. The other big improvement is actually getting up in time to eat breakfast. I have found that has made a huge difference for me. I usually eat some fruit or yogurt. I have also had one lean pocket on some days. It seems to balance out my sugar levels more, and I seem to be more productive. Especially now that I am working day hours, it has been a huge adjustment. I am down another 5 lbs this week. Which I was not expecting. Clothes are starting to fit differently. Some are way too big now! Exactly what I am wanting :-)

Sunday was mostly just chill day. Re-organized the bathroom and tossed out a bunch of older unused products. I did laundry, and changed sheets on the bed. I finished up painting the dresser door, just have to put the final protective coat on and attach it! It was a great weekend overall, but also relaxed. 

Inner Struggle

I have always been a bigger girl as far as I can remember. I think maybe under the age of 4 - I was probably normal for my age, then I got chubby. Chubby turned to gaining weight. In turn is now FAT. I used to take offense to the word fat. I am sure it all depends on how someone uses the word and what their tone of voice or intentions are. But - I am Fat. Always have been. I made attempts to lose weight before, and I succeeded, but I've yo-yo'ed for years. Just before my marriage ended, I was at the highest weight I had ever been. I weighed about 320 lbs in 2012. I lost quite a bit of weight over the summer of 2012, mostly diet changes and depression.

Here it is 2015 - I was at a plateau but wasn't really interested in any real attempts to change my weight. I've always dreamed of becoming a mother someday. After years of struggling with infertility, my marriage ended due to infidelity. It absolutely broke my heart to go through all the struggles I had to find that he had impregnated someone else and kept it a secret. Even after I found out, I tried to make it work for a few more months... he remained unfaithful and would lie to me. I decided to walk away for good. While that was probably the best thing I could have ever done, it was also the most devastating. I kind of gave up the dream of ever getting married again and becoming a mother. I've dated here and there, even had a few serious relationships but nothing came of them. I decided earlier this year that I was going to start living for me. Doing what was best for me. and that meant to really take charge of my own health.

I was diagnosed several years ago with PCOS. It made it difficult to lose weight, or to even really be normal. I was also diagnosed with Narcolepsy, several years ago. I worked overnights as a sleep technician myself for about 10 years. It seemed to work out for me to work 3-4 nights a week, but I slept all the time. I was completely drowning in depression, anxiety, and lost my zest for life. I made the switch to a day-time position, and that has improved much of my life. With the combination of health changes, losing weight, and transition to normal "daywalker" status, I feel better than I have in a really long time. I sleep better. I function better. I've become a happier person. I have more energy to do more things, I am able to be more active. A lot of things in life have improved this year.

My doctor put me on Phentermine after we discussed a few options and what was expected of me while on this medication. It is meant to be short term, and then we will re-evaluate. It has made a huge difference. I've used education to read more labels, to count calories or at least document them so I am aware of them, and to try to eat more healthy overall. The biggest struggle with eating healthy, meant to actually eat! I was so used to working overnights, that I forgot what real meal times were. I often only ate a meal at work and snacks throughout the night. I didn't consistently eat 3-5 meals a day. I went for convenience, mostly prepackaged or fast food. I meal plan and prep more now. I don't totally deprive myself, which is also very helpful. I've replaced cravings with what I am lacking and it helps. I don't drink soda at all anymore, if I do - its pretty rare. I have cut out most candies and sweets, and sweet drinks. I try to go walking 3-4 times a week. I stay more active than I ever have. I have lost about 15 pounds total since I have been on Phentermine. I didn't stay with it consistently at first, and after talking to the doctor (and being reprimanded, haha) I am back on board full force and I am doing much better.

I deactivated my Facebook. That was a huge step for me. I felt like I was just watching my life pass me by. I was too involved and worried about everyone else and what was on Facebook instead of actually reaching out to friends and family. Force myself to get out more and actually go see my friends and do things! It was a little difficult at first. Facebook is the go to when you are bored, not busy, and just wanting interaction. I don't know how long I'll be doing it, but I made a commitment to try for at least a week and then re-evaluate. So far, I am really enjoying it! I may not go back.

The dating world is absolutely ridiculous. Finding someone who is on your level and gets you shouldn't be so hard, should it? I have had a few serious relationships since my divorce. I am realizing that it's easy to get caught up in it, and that you should focus on your goals and what you want from life and look for the same in a partner. I was actually engaged at the end of December. That relationship did not work out. I can't deal with people that feel the need to lie all the time. Where's your sense of true self when you are pretending to be someone or something that you are not? It is sad, really. But that is definitely in the past. I dated someone a few times before, and we are in a relationship now. It is going surprisingly well, and for the first time, I am actually just going with the flow and not trying to rush anything. He has been a rock for me. I can talk to him about whatever I am feeling and he doesn't run away. I don't second guess anything he is doing. I trust him 100%. I haven't felt this sense of security since way before my ex husband. It's insane. He makes me laugh endlessly, but also knows when to keep it straight with me. I like it.

The new job has been quite the transition, I do still struggle with waking up early mornings and going to bed early. It has gotten better over the last few months. There are days where it's not exactly my favorite thing to do. I have a lot of freedom, which is nice. I also have deadlines and priorities, as well. Luckily, I have a great management staff and it actually feels like family here.

I am excited to see what the future has in store for me. It can only really get better from here.

New Beginnings... once again.

I've been making a lot of changes to my life, recently. The biggest change for me was to delete negativity and toxicity. I started spending less time and talking less to those that brought negativity, toxicity, and drama to my life. There's no need for that kind of thing. I want to have complete happiness in my life - and that starts with ME. I deleted my Facebook account. I was constantly checking it, engaging in it much less than I engage with others around me.

For the most part, I feel like I am very self - aware. It took me awhile find  myself. True happiness is not dependent on another person, only you can provide that for yourself... so that is what this new journey is all about.

For years, I felt like I was happy. I became someone that I wasn't very proud of. Everyone makes mistakes in life, and mine were really starting to bite me in the ass. Things certainly didn't change overnight, and they most certainly won't again. That's okay, that is where you find your own growth.

I want to really be able to be open with myself and my thoughts and emotions again. This is a good starting place.

Unregistered

Learning as we go.

Over the last few years, it's definitely been a learning curve. Life doesn't come with a manual unfortunately, so I just have to wing it and hope for the best. I didn't realize how truly unhappy I have been. I don't know that one particular thing ever sparked it, but it's been a downhill slide since. My eyes have been opened. I can't promise there won't be bad days, but I can promise that it's all worth it. I still have my moments, (cough yesterday cough) but it's getting better.

I have extremely high expectations out of people. I'm guessing it's too extreme, because I am often let down. There's a quote I heard somewhere, something like "Just because people don't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with everything they have." I suppose that is true. Every person has their own definition of love. If you're lucky enough to find someone that understands yours, then it's all worth it in the end.

I've also heard "when people seem the most unlovable, that's when they need it the most." and that one definitely rings true in my life. I have made some mistakes, some I'm not too proud of. I can't take them back or change them, but I can change the future. There are days when I want to throw in the towel. Those have been more often than not, at the moment. I'm not giving up.

I'm starting a new job on Monday. I'm a little excited, but I am also pretty nervous. It's going to be totally outside of my comfort zone. It's a temporary contract job for about 3 months. It has the potential to go longer, but no guarantee. It works for me, because it gives me time to figure out what I'm gonna do while I get paid!

I have had several interviews with other sleep labs, but most have been out of the area. I had one this morning, that I am quite hopeful for. It went well, and I will be having a second interview the first of the week. I think a change of scenery, somewhere where I know very little, and can essentially start over, would be best for me.

I would like to have my partner by my side, but the fact is I don't know what will happen with all that. I'm not going to go into too much with that right now. That's another day. Today is a good day, and I'd like to keep it at that.

We have had such beautiful weather, even with it being a little more chilly, it is still nice out. No more rain, please! My yard is growing fast, and I really need to get that taken care of before it's a pain to even try to mow.

I'm working on self reliance.... it's getting difficult! But I can do this!

Sometimes life just slips away from us

I never thought I'd be one of those people. You know, the ones that are like zombies. The ones that refuse to really live life. I became that person. I became miserable. I didn't even really see it. I knew that I was unhappy with some things in my life but I never fully realized what I became. It's kind of disgusting, when you figure it out. Like you feel so bad about it, and try to rehash everything in your head and figure out where things went wrong. Reality hits you like a ton of bricks, and man does that suck.

The only thing you can do after a realization like that is make a decision about your life. Do you want to continue down the same road? Or do you want to change it? I choose to change it. I don't want to be that person, anymore. I used to find all the good things in life. I used to laugh and joke around. Have fun. Where did that all go?

Whatever the reasons, I can't continue down that road any longer.

My biggest problem right now is my weight. I gained a lot of weight. I know everyone says that, but seriously. I had lost a bunch right before I met my husband. Mainly, because I was always working. Picking up double shifts, picking up extra hours. I was always on the go. But, I also ate smaller portions and didn't eat out as much. That's the biggest kicker. Eating out. We do it all the time, it's not even a special treat. I've noticed lately that I've become bored with it, though... so it's not even like I really even enjoy it now. It just comes down to being lazy. I was working overnights, and just was so tired all the time. I eat crap. I feel like crap. Some coincidence, no?

I gained back everything I lost before and almost doubled it. It's scary. I don't have motivation. I don't have a zest for life, I lost all that.

Now, that I've been hit with that Ah ha moment, I can make it different.

I've been reading up on some things. Mostly, I might as well admit it. My marriage is in trouble. I became such a crabby person, so lazy, so unhappy. It wasn't his fault. He never said those things... but I was. I didn't realize it until it may be too late. I'm taking some time right now, and giving him some space to think things out in his head. I am too. I lost my job a couple weeks ago. Finding another job has been hard. Managing to stay afloat, but just barely. Only a matter of time before we really start to drown... slowly, I think I already was.

I found an app on my iphone. It's called c25k. I've heard a few other people talk about it. Mostly some of the girls from the message boards I frequent. People around me in person, are going for the p90x and zumba programs. I am sure they are all good. I gave c25k a chance tonight.

The last few days, there's a point in the afternoon (usually) where I just get this anxiety. Like, I can't sit still, I can't be near people... so I went to the bedroom and laid down. I tried to read a little, I tried playing a game on my phone... but I just couldn't shake the anxiety. Normally, I'd just try to take a nap. That's how I deal with everything - I sleep. I've been having difficulty sleeping at night and end up staying late (thanks shiftwork!) and then sleeping away the morning. I need to stop doing that, so I refused to do it today. I picked up my phone and clicked on the app. I didn't feel like going outside. I don't want to be made fun of. I don't want to be around people. I don't want to run into people I know, YET.

30 minutes. 20 minutes of actual work out activity with a pre warm up and a post cool down lasting 5 minutes each. I did the warm up, then you have to run for 1 minute/ 60 seconds. Okay, I can do this. Run for a minute, and then you have 1 1/2 min/90 seconds of walking. Okay, so not so bad. I haven't ran in a very long time, so it was more like a jiggle/jog. Also, add in doing this all in a small room with not much room. Okay, so I got that down... then it says run again. Okay.... about 15 sec into that I was ready to quit. I am tired. I don't want to do this. I pushed on. Alternating running and walking. I keep at it, but about 12-13 minutes in, I'm ready to give up. I just kept thinking to myself, it's not like you have anything else to do right now. Just do it, get it over with. So I kept on. 3 minutes later, I am right back to wanting to give up. I had to give myself a pep talk to finish it. Just get through it.

I completed it. It was hard. Doesn't seem like such a short amount of time would really be so much work. But it was. Especially for someone that doesn't wanna do any walking whatsoever. My hands were a little swollen afterwards, I noticed before when I took walks outside that they do that, but I thought it was allergies - being around nature, but this time I was inside. I will have to do some research on that one...

I hope I can continue to do it each day and follow the program. It's going to take some willpower. I hope I will get to the point where I won't feel like I need to confine myself to a room. That I can go outside and do it, and actually make distance. Not care if  I run into someone, maybe eventually find someone who wants to do it with me.

Today was hard. This week has been hard. The only way I can do this, to get past all this and become ME again, is to push through.

Being Thankful, and the holidays!

We have a lot to be thankful for in the Wickam household. Sometimes, it is hard to remember to be thankful for everything. We have been blessed with a great family that is there for us when we need them the most. We are blessed with great friends to share our time with. We are blessed to have a roof over our heads and great paying jobs.

Be happy with what you have right? We still long for a baby, a house of our own, and for life to be a little easier. Who doesn't have a wish list?

I always get a little anxiety around this time of year, because Thanksgiving holds a huge memory in my life. I'm not sure if I'd call it bad, but it's definitely not a great memory. Coming home for Thanksgiving to find my parent's home a little out of order. A moved coffee table, things on the floor, a pan on the stove with food in it... all just a little out of the ordinary. My parents were nowhere to be found. No calls, no answers on cell phones, called family members, no one knew... My dad had been taken to the emergency room for coughing up large amounts of blood, I think we had already been told he could possibly have cancer at this point, but to be honest - it's a blur. My dad was then taken to ICU in St. Joseph at Heartland Medical from Harrison County ER. Thanksgiving wasn't so awesome that year.

I suppose I also get a little anxiety about holidays, money, stress, family. It's all a part of it. We are starting to get our routine down, once children come into the picture that all may change. I don't even really care about the gifts anymore, although, I do enjoy seeing the little ones open up present. It's about spending time together and enjoying the holiday as a family. My side of the family has a hard time getting together for the holidays. My immediate family makes plans after January - because it's easier, closer to birthdays, and not rushed and stressful. We are able to take more time off work, cheaper flights or hotel deals, etc. We prefer it that way. I do miss the holiday traditions, though. We don't have those so much anymore. I suppose that's just something we have to learn to make ourselves or get over it.

One tradition I've made for myself, is Christmas/Holiday cards. I enjoy writing in them and sending them out. I love receiving them in my mailbox, too. I've done this ever since I've really been out living on my own (without a roommate) and make an even bigger deal out of it now that J.R. and I are together. We have done this every year we have been together. We try to include pictures, but I was kind of late with that this year, so I'm not sure if I'll have the pictures back in time. I hope anyway!

What are your family traditions over the years? Have they changed? Have you made new traditions for yourself and your immediate family?