Inner Struggle

I have always been a bigger girl as far as I can remember. I think maybe under the age of 4 - I was probably normal for my age, then I got chubby. Chubby turned to gaining weight. In turn is now FAT. I used to take offense to the word fat. I am sure it all depends on how someone uses the word and what their tone of voice or intentions are. But - I am Fat. Always have been. I made attempts to lose weight before, and I succeeded, but I've yo-yo'ed for years. Just before my marriage ended, I was at the highest weight I had ever been. I weighed about 320 lbs in 2012. I lost quite a bit of weight over the summer of 2012, mostly diet changes and depression.

Here it is 2015 - I was at a plateau but wasn't really interested in any real attempts to change my weight. I've always dreamed of becoming a mother someday. After years of struggling with infertility, my marriage ended due to infidelity. It absolutely broke my heart to go through all the struggles I had to find that he had impregnated someone else and kept it a secret. Even after I found out, I tried to make it work for a few more months... he remained unfaithful and would lie to me. I decided to walk away for good. While that was probably the best thing I could have ever done, it was also the most devastating. I kind of gave up the dream of ever getting married again and becoming a mother. I've dated here and there, even had a few serious relationships but nothing came of them. I decided earlier this year that I was going to start living for me. Doing what was best for me. and that meant to really take charge of my own health.

I was diagnosed several years ago with PCOS. It made it difficult to lose weight, or to even really be normal. I was also diagnosed with Narcolepsy, several years ago. I worked overnights as a sleep technician myself for about 10 years. It seemed to work out for me to work 3-4 nights a week, but I slept all the time. I was completely drowning in depression, anxiety, and lost my zest for life. I made the switch to a day-time position, and that has improved much of my life. With the combination of health changes, losing weight, and transition to normal "daywalker" status, I feel better than I have in a really long time. I sleep better. I function better. I've become a happier person. I have more energy to do more things, I am able to be more active. A lot of things in life have improved this year.

My doctor put me on Phentermine after we discussed a few options and what was expected of me while on this medication. It is meant to be short term, and then we will re-evaluate. It has made a huge difference. I've used education to read more labels, to count calories or at least document them so I am aware of them, and to try to eat more healthy overall. The biggest struggle with eating healthy, meant to actually eat! I was so used to working overnights, that I forgot what real meal times were. I often only ate a meal at work and snacks throughout the night. I didn't consistently eat 3-5 meals a day. I went for convenience, mostly prepackaged or fast food. I meal plan and prep more now. I don't totally deprive myself, which is also very helpful. I've replaced cravings with what I am lacking and it helps. I don't drink soda at all anymore, if I do - its pretty rare. I have cut out most candies and sweets, and sweet drinks. I try to go walking 3-4 times a week. I stay more active than I ever have. I have lost about 15 pounds total since I have been on Phentermine. I didn't stay with it consistently at first, and after talking to the doctor (and being reprimanded, haha) I am back on board full force and I am doing much better.

I deactivated my Facebook. That was a huge step for me. I felt like I was just watching my life pass me by. I was too involved and worried about everyone else and what was on Facebook instead of actually reaching out to friends and family. Force myself to get out more and actually go see my friends and do things! It was a little difficult at first. Facebook is the go to when you are bored, not busy, and just wanting interaction. I don't know how long I'll be doing it, but I made a commitment to try for at least a week and then re-evaluate. So far, I am really enjoying it! I may not go back.

The dating world is absolutely ridiculous. Finding someone who is on your level and gets you shouldn't be so hard, should it? I have had a few serious relationships since my divorce. I am realizing that it's easy to get caught up in it, and that you should focus on your goals and what you want from life and look for the same in a partner. I was actually engaged at the end of December. That relationship did not work out. I can't deal with people that feel the need to lie all the time. Where's your sense of true self when you are pretending to be someone or something that you are not? It is sad, really. But that is definitely in the past. I dated someone a few times before, and we are in a relationship now. It is going surprisingly well, and for the first time, I am actually just going with the flow and not trying to rush anything. He has been a rock for me. I can talk to him about whatever I am feeling and he doesn't run away. I don't second guess anything he is doing. I trust him 100%. I haven't felt this sense of security since way before my ex husband. It's insane. He makes me laugh endlessly, but also knows when to keep it straight with me. I like it.

The new job has been quite the transition, I do still struggle with waking up early mornings and going to bed early. It has gotten better over the last few months. There are days where it's not exactly my favorite thing to do. I have a lot of freedom, which is nice. I also have deadlines and priorities, as well. Luckily, I have a great management staff and it actually feels like family here.

I am excited to see what the future has in store for me. It can only really get better from here.