Better.

I read my last post, and I kinda felt sad.

I'm not really at that heart wrenching, hopeless stage anymore. It's not far away, though, so I'm not out of the woods, just yet. Things are getting better. It's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, sometimes.

I struggle with so many things, I always felt so helpless before, but now I realize, I can't really count on any one else to make those changes. Quit your bellyachin', get off of it and bust your booty, only you can make the changes that you need.

Tonight was a sudden realization for me. Epiphany, if you will. In the back of my head, I knew there was a problem, but it hit home tonight. The mood swings are out of control. The anxiety? Through the roof. I'm literally scared to death to be in a car. Before, it was only if I wasn't in driving, I didn't have the control I needed to feel at ease. It's completely to the point now, where it doesn't matter who is driving. It's ridiculous. I need to go see someone about this, for real. I kind of laughed and joked off such a huge serious accident I was in a year ago. Made light of it, I walked away unhurt, which is a miracle. A year later? I'm freaking afraid of being in a car and traffic. It's not nearly as bad as a highway or interstate. I try to avoid those now if possible. It's not as bad if the weather is clear, also.

I tried to just make light of the situation. There's no way that this could really affect me, I made it out, that was the important part. It literally puts my stomach in knots and I freak out. How truly sad, is that? Over the course of minor things, I totally freaked out in the car when NOTHING happened. It was raining, foggy, there was still visible. I saw brake lights ahead, no where even close... and I freaked out. I cannot control it, but I try to, which I think makes it worse. What do I do about this? Hire a driver with a vehicle with a partition that is tinted as well as the windows so I can't see? Never drive again? Ugh. Where do I start? Counseling?

Maybe I've let things go too far and think I can handle it all myself. Maybe I really do need help, not just for the whole car thing, but every aspect of my life.

Starting new jobs suck, because there's the long wait for insurance (aye aye aye lets not even go there...) once that kicks in, this would be better.

I let things consume me. I can't do that anymore.

Life is... changing.

I don't know where to begin this blog. I rarely write anymore, usually it's just been a few pictures here and there. My usb cord for my camera isn't working, so no new pictures for awhile. Eventually, I'll either get a new camera or get a new cord. I saw a camera similar to mine but the newer version for a decent price last night. But, I am trying to hold on to extra monies until I get us out of the rut we are in. Moving and getting re-settled has drained everything. It's not the end of the World, and somehow we always manage to figure out a plan or make things work somehow. Just sucks most days.

I'm in a bit of a funk, that's why I decided to write. Writing usually helps.

My heart is heavy about so many things going on in my life, right now. I don't know what's the best thing to do about a lot of it. I am struggling with Faith. I am struggling with money. I am struggling with happiness. Where do I find the "good" in everything when it all seems so sour anymore? I have a lot to be thankful for. I have a roof over my head, a gorgeous house, FINALLY a job, but there is still so much that is left out there that I want to grab onto. Over the last few years, I have felt that I learned valuable lessons. Sometimes, you have to go through these struggles to really grasp onto what life means. But, I am still left empty. Explain that one. Did I make the right choices? If I didn't and I want things to change - where do I start? Why do I ask so many questions? lol. Ugh, just seems like a never ending process.

Little Miss Layla Grace. There's just so many words that I can't even begin to type that express my emotions at the moment. I have this gut-wrenching, heart breaking, overall sadness consuming me at the moment. It's the same feelings I had when my Dad was sick. The same feeling I had when Bryson was diagnosed with Leukemia. I just hate that Cancer is so evil. It takes over lives and destroys so many things in it's path. Why? Layla was a beautiful little girl that was in a little red wagon in the halls of 9th floor at TCH. Our paths crossed. Maybe for a few moments, but how much impact that little girl has had on my path is crazy. We've met so many families and little ones through Bryson's illness that are some of the most REAL, strong, faith-filled people I've ever met. To see how many lives Bryson has touched, too, is all too surreal. These children often do not even SPEAK to each other, but they have this bond that is unbreakable. Just looking into their eyes and seeing their little faces - especially the little ones that haven't even learned to talk yet - Just incredible.

My heart aches for the Marsh family. I hope that God provides the strength, faith, peace, and comfort that they need right now and for the rest of their lives.

When my father was sick, I hated hearing the "I'm sorry"s and the "if you need anything"s. No one really understands what exactly another goes through. I can say what I feel, and I can say how it affected me, but I just really can't even imagine.

I just have to remind myself that there is a lesson, yet again, in this for me. Stop taking things for granted. Be happy with what you have. Is it enough?

Layla Grace

This beautiful little girl, is named Layla Grace. She is battling Stage 4 Neuroblastoma. I met her and her family at Texas Children's Hospital while visiting my nephew, Bryson in the hospital. Bryson has Leukemia. Layla and Bryson met and become friends while on the 9th floor together. Layla needs a miracle. Her family and her need all of our prayers and love. Please take a minute to visit her website, laylagrace.org where you can read more about her. These children suffer from terrible diseases, and someday we will find a cure!

moved in!

We are officially all moved into our new house with furniture and all. What a long couple months of barely scraping by and sleeping on floors and air mattress. It was an adventure, however.

I started last week at a new sleep lab as a sleep technician again. So far, I really like the company and lab. Much different than I am used to, but that's definitely a good thing! Jr decided to stay on full time at Midas.

My classes this semester were more demanding and extensive. I'm making it through, was harder juggling with moving, work, and all. Two weeks then I start another block.

My mom is all moved up here. Seemed pretty hard for her, but none of us wanted to leave Bryson. I'm worried about him but he is doing good.

I will have more pics to post later.

Our New House!

Make a Smilebox collage

You can't wring your hands and roll up your sleeves at the same time. ~Pat Schroeder

You can't wring your hands and roll up your sleeves at the same time. ~Pat Schroeder

How true is that statement? If someone told me, I'd be spending my new year worrying all the time or feeling sorry for myself, I would have thought they were kidding. Things are not going according to plan. I was probably silly to think that it would. The good news is - Life has a funny funny way of letting you know who is really in control. As a couple of my friends have said, you gotta go through the speedbumps to appreciate the smoother roads. I've spent entirely too much time worrying and crying, and being upset about things. Especially, when it's things that I really don't have a lot of control over. I just have to learn to do my best, take it in stride, and move on.

I'm tired of the struggle. I'm tired of feeling like life crashes every chance it gets. When is a little good going to come our way? Have I totally missed the good moments? Do I fail to see them? I think so. I just get so caught up in trying to make everything perfect, that a little disappointment is always bound to come our way, and I have to accept it and learn from those disappointments. Which is hard to do! Maybe I need a little help with that part of my life? I'm just really ready for things to turn around and go a little better. It's getting there slowly, and I must have patience.

On to better things... I did spend a pretty cool New Year's Eve with some of my closest friends. We had a lot of fun, and many good laughs.

Here's to hoping a better year!

Christmas and the festivities

J.R. and I have been back in Kansas for a few weeks, now. It definitely feels comfortable for the most part, but we really miss being in our own place. We are fortunate enough for J.R.'s Father and Stepmother to allow us to stay with them over the holidays and while we are in town to find jobs and a house.

We found a wonderful house! I am so excited about it. It's beautiful inside, and has so much space. A huge backyard for Ollie, and lots of huge window sills for Sushi to lay in and sunbathe. A nice patio to entertain when the weather is nice.

J.R. will start his new job on Monday. He will be working for Midas as a general auto service technician. He is pretty excited, Midas seems like a great company to work for. I still have a few interviews, and the job that I left to move to Texas is offerring a position back with them.

At first, things weren't going so great. We were starting to get worried if anything was going to happen, but things are slowly falling into place, now.

It just feels so good to be back in our comfort zone. I definitely didn't miss the snow and ice, but thanks to the Blizzard of '09 - ha! It wasn't all that bad. We had a snowball fight with the family on Christmas Eve. So much snow, and it was so much fun!

Christmas was nice. I was pretty depressed about everything going on, and the holidays are a reminder of what used to be. It's hard to adjust to a life without my family. I have my Mom, and my brother, Tim - but we were away from them this year. It just really sucks that since my Dad died, the whole family has fallen apart. It makes me sad, but there isn't a lot I can do to change it. J.R. has a wonderful family, and I think I've taken them for granted.

They always go out of their way to make me feel welcome, and I really do appreciate that.
The biggest event this year, was J.R.'s sister, Alicyn and her husband, Jeremy had a son in April. Henry. He is an adorable little guy! We loved spending time with him and can't wait to do more in the future. Sure makes me miss Bryson a lot, but will get to see him soon!

I didn't go to J.R.'s Mom's side of the family get together, it was pretty bad out weather wise, and thanks to the accident in Oklahoma and "side effects" from that, when there are visibility issues - I have so much anxiety. I just prefer to avoid it alltogether. The best part of being back in Kansas City is that I don't have to deal with traffic like Houston's! I know where I'm going, I don't really need the Garmin, and I don't have to worry about bumper to bumper - rushing to get ahead - close calls every time I get in my car. I love it here!

I got to spend a day of shopping and Sephora madness with my BFF's! Oh, how I missed them! They are two wonderful ladies, and I am glad to call them my friends.