Better.

I read my last post, and I kinda felt sad.

I'm not really at that heart wrenching, hopeless stage anymore. It's not far away, though, so I'm not out of the woods, just yet. Things are getting better. It's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, sometimes.

I struggle with so many things, I always felt so helpless before, but now I realize, I can't really count on any one else to make those changes. Quit your bellyachin', get off of it and bust your booty, only you can make the changes that you need.

Tonight was a sudden realization for me. Epiphany, if you will. In the back of my head, I knew there was a problem, but it hit home tonight. The mood swings are out of control. The anxiety? Through the roof. I'm literally scared to death to be in a car. Before, it was only if I wasn't in driving, I didn't have the control I needed to feel at ease. It's completely to the point now, where it doesn't matter who is driving. It's ridiculous. I need to go see someone about this, for real. I kind of laughed and joked off such a huge serious accident I was in a year ago. Made light of it, I walked away unhurt, which is a miracle. A year later? I'm freaking afraid of being in a car and traffic. It's not nearly as bad as a highway or interstate. I try to avoid those now if possible. It's not as bad if the weather is clear, also.

I tried to just make light of the situation. There's no way that this could really affect me, I made it out, that was the important part. It literally puts my stomach in knots and I freak out. How truly sad, is that? Over the course of minor things, I totally freaked out in the car when NOTHING happened. It was raining, foggy, there was still visible. I saw brake lights ahead, no where even close... and I freaked out. I cannot control it, but I try to, which I think makes it worse. What do I do about this? Hire a driver with a vehicle with a partition that is tinted as well as the windows so I can't see? Never drive again? Ugh. Where do I start? Counseling?

Maybe I've let things go too far and think I can handle it all myself. Maybe I really do need help, not just for the whole car thing, but every aspect of my life.

Starting new jobs suck, because there's the long wait for insurance (aye aye aye lets not even go there...) once that kicks in, this would be better.

I let things consume me. I can't do that anymore.