Vent

I am filled with mixed emotions right now. Yesterday was a pretty rough day, and I'm not so sure the rest of this week will get better.

JR's Grandma Rose is in the hospital. She recently moved to a new retirement apartment in Lenexa. She has Alzheimer's and was declining rapidly. Her son, Danny shared a house with her. He had a series of strokes and was put in the hospital and a rehabilitation center (which conveniently is in the same retirement community as Grandma Rose). The family felt that moving her and Danny there would be best for her. Which is how we acquired the house. We were to move in and take care of it and are in the process of buying it. (We have a waiting period due to SSR and probate)

They recently found out a few weeks ago that she had skin cancer. It was several layers deep and would require surgery, but that was about all they could offer for it right now. She just retired and stopped working 3 years ago, She is 84 I believe. She had surgery Monday morning to remove the cancer. They got what they believe to be all of it, and gave her a stunning glowing report. Monday evening she had a stroke.

I don't really understand sometimes... why we have to go through the things we do just to live life. Why allow her cancer to be taken care of but yet suffer from a stroke?

She is very confused and disoriented at times, and doesn't understand why she is in the hospital. Lucidness at times lasted less than five minutes. She at one point last night, got very upset and was confused as to "why all these people were in her house and wishes everyone would leave her alone". It broke my heart to see her this way. Not to mention for my MIL who has to deal with it, and hear some of the awful things like how she doesn't love her and hates her and she is mean for doing this to her. I know it's because she is confused and isn't in her right mind, but I am sure it still hurts!

I'm kind of at a loss as to what to do. I feel incredibly helpless, especially for JR - He isn't one to really share his emotions and feelings much, and I know he is struggling dealing with this too.

My friend Becky (a super sweet supportive girl I've met through the nest, and was my TTC buddy) and her husband Adam are struggling with a very important decision. Becky is 20 weeks pregnant, and they recently found out they were expecting a baby girl. They have named her Addison. They also recently found out that she has a heart problem. One that doesn't offer a very high quality of life. They have to make a decision to go through with the pregnancy which could mean years of painful surgeries, poor quality of life, and heartbreak. Or to terminate the pregnancy, and suffer heartbreak of losing a little girl that they have been waiting so patiently for.

To me, that is the worst kind of decision you'd ever have to make. I can't even imagine.

My friends Bill and Tera suffered infertility for years, and were finally blessed with a baby after 7 years of trying. We are awaiting the birth of little miss Ayla Rose as we speak!

There's just so much going on in our lives right now that definitely makes me question why things are the way they are. It's also allowed for JR and I to talk openly about different situations and how we feel about them. Which is kind of nice because it puts perspective on a lot.

JR and I came up with a plan. I have been contemplating Gastric Bypass surgery for multiple reasons. Part of which because I have tried and failed miserably at losing weight, and because we also suffer from infertility. Statistics show after a year (where its the healtiest) women with infertility were able to have a chance at conceiving a child. Right now, we want nothing more than to become parents. We have discussed it, and I am going to pursue the surgery. Which means there is a long hard road ahead, and I'm just starting out, this may or may not happen for me. We have decided it would best to try and if it gave us a chance at pregnancy, then we would wait a year and a half before actively trying again. We also discussed by the age of 30, if we are unable to get pregnant, that we may look into adoption.

While I'm scared with all the challenges we face and I may face regarding weight loss surgery and health wise. I also know that something rewarding could be waiting for me.

I have such a heavy heart right now, but I know in time things are a part of a bigger plan. I'm just waiting to discovery where my place is in this and to get started.