Happy Birthday, Dad!

I always thought it'd get easier with time. It never does. It just seems to fade away a little bit. It still feels like it's happening today. The pain and heartache never really go away, I just somehow push it aside. I have to, to be able to live my life. Sometimes, I feel guilty for doing that. I haven't forgotten. I never will. I rather hurt, than feeling nothing at all.

It hits at the weirdest moments. Things I'd never expect remind me of you. Truth be told, I never thought it'd affect me as much as it does. I still feel anger. I still feel hurt. I still feel regret and guilt. Will that ever go away?

I wish you were here. I wish you could see how much things have changed since you left us. Would you be happy to see all the changes I've made in my life? You'd laugh at Bryson. I know you'd be proud of him. He's amazing and teaches us so much in life. I wish he had the chance to know you. I wish you would have been there to walk me down the aisle like we planned. It made me so sad that you weren't there. I wish that you could see Ollie. I know you'd have fun playing with him, too. I would give anything to hear you call the cat a "zero and to get out of your way". You always said you hated that cat, but you didn't really. I wish you were here so Mom wouldn't be lonely. I hate seeing her in pain. She puts on a good front, though. Tries to pretend that she's really happy... but I know she isn't. I pushed her into moving to Texas so that she could focus on helping with Bryson. She needs to know that it's OK to be happy. We made the decision to come, too... so it'd be easier. But it hasn't been. I wouldn't say it's the worst decision we've ever made... but I don't know if it was the right decision.

I often wonder what advice you'd give me now. Would you really be proud of me now? Some days, I feel on top of the world. Little things happen, knock me down. I guess you have to fall on your face a few times, before you can really stand tall. I found a better job, although it's had its moments. I am going back to school. I bet you never thought that'd happen. Sometimes I'm not always happy with my life. I made a lot of stupid decisions in the past, but I try to strive as hard as I can to make it what I want now. You taught me that. I just wish you were here to see the person I am now.

Have you heard that song, "Only you can love me this way" by Keith Urban? You'd like it. It makes me think of you.

I talk about you a lot, it helps me. I never know when people might get sick of it, and tell me to stop. I've been doing it less and less lately.

We've become pro-active in helping with Cancer and Leukemia research. I feel that it isn't ever really enough, though. I wish you would have fought harder. Sometimes, I think you gave up way too easy. I wish I knew what all was going through your mind at the time? Why you chose certain options? Why you chose this or that? I'll never know those answers.

I wish you were here.